mirror

"It's like when you look in the mirror too long" I say
"It's our strength and our weakness" she says.

Introspection is like a dry hot dog bun stuck in my throat. I can't swallow me down. Thinking Thinking Thinking.
One time when I was sixteen a boy hurt my feelings when he said, "Nice shirt-dress". For eight years I've been mulling over my comeback. For sixteen weeks thinking about cellulite and jiggle. For the last two weeks debating packing or buying diapers.

When did thoughts become indulgent and just passing the time with them become dangerous. I want to want to be Christlike but it becomes harder each day. When I first met Him, I focused on stopping what was wrong - running to what was right. But at some point, even when you're surrounded with "right", wrong wins. Sometime I think Satan lives in "right" places and people and freedom lives in the pursuit of the Godly. If you've thought it in your head, you've done it with your body. Seriously, that's what it says and I believe what it means. That pegs me guilty and I can't take that too seriously. Or can I?

Taking all thoughts captive, I've become a wild bandit - tying them up and wondering, where exactly do I throw them, store them once I've bound them? I'm dragging them around in a trash bag, over my laundry, out the front door... don't let the kids see. Don't let anyone see. Too heavy, I drop them at His feet. But what do I replace them with? It's sometimes hard to remember that positive self talk is still not spirit giving. I write in a circle, think in a circle, & everything comes back to the start. I want to walk from point A to point B. From sin to glory. I want what Adam started to end and it won't - not yet. But it will get better.

Sometimes when you've looked in the mirror too long, you need to blink, hard.