walking

Tonight I was walking fast, by myself, down our road. Alone is not usual for me. A two and a half mile track was laid out before me, a borrowed ipod in hand. I had an agenda to pray about, a purpose in my steps. Teen feet into my little journey, I was totally engulfed by the beauty of the northwest outdoors. It's almost July & it was nearly chilly, everywhere I looked I saw intense beauty. The sky was opening up and the blues were leading to oranges and pinks and yellow. I could see the breeze alive on every piece of flora around me. I saw sweet moss on fences and lavender flowers that towered over me. Old cars, makeshift scarecrows, and a roadside berry stand. The raw puyallup backroad enveloped me and I felt really at home, not in this city or state - but in that package of minutes.

On the ipod, a live recording of a worship event I went to back in 2004 came on and in an instant, I was reminded of a day that reminded me of another life I used to live. I was engaged and on a mini-vacation with Nick, my roommates, & several thousand other college students. The conference was in Nashville and was geared towards worship & teaching and I can still remember how unshaken my little Jesus-world was. Unfortunately I'm being totally honest when I recall that the most pressing concerns to me were about myself. I had just put some low-lights in my hair that were a bit too dark, was I ever going to reach my wedding-weight-goal?, would I be able to fit all my credits into the next two semesters so that Nick and I would feel free to move wherever the Lord called?

Despite my selfishness, God was still speaking to me and loving on me and allowing me to see Him bigger and bigger. During one teaching session, I got caught up in the crowd of people scattering all around downtown Nashville, trying to find the speaker that would suit them best. I think I got stuck in a line at the only Starbucks in downtown and before I knew it, I was by myself. Sans-fiance, not a roommate in site. Alone wasn't usual for me then, either. I was uncomfortable and unsure of myself and so I wondered back to the main arena - figured I'd read or browse the ministry stations until everyone got back. While I was wandering around I stumbled on a prayer room and there was a really nondescript sign on it that read "Boston/New York". What I walked into was shocking and awesome and really, really what my heart was looking for. The room was dark but filled with students and a popular worship leader was in front, praying - singing over the two aforementioned cities. There were only about fifty people in the room, but everyone was moaning and groaning, whispering and weeping over these great cultures that needed redemption. Inspired, shocked, & shifted forever - I cried and prayed along with this small sector of my generation, for another small sector and I felt at home in that package of minutes.

A few minutes later I was still walking... passing a dormant tractor, the KFC chicken coop at our house in my line of vision, and I had to chuckle. Life has not quite taken me where I expected to go. Now I live in a sleepy town, doing a generally thankless ministry, living off support, being excited by things like playdates & library trips. But Jesus, thank you that I feel intensely alive. Thank you for keeping me walking - whether into spirit filled rooms in the midst of big cities, or down well-water lined streets where there are more crops than people. I'm still walking, still in awe. Still alive.