Tuesday the twenty sixth had been planned out to be really, really low key. Nick and I had most of our errands, chores, & cleaning all wrapped up and we just wanted to spend a lot of time with Glory & Elias - making them feel as loved and cherished as possible before we were gone for a few days to have Benjamin. That morning as I was dressingGlor , I noticed a big old baby boogie and decided she'd breathe a lot better with it out. Like I do about five times a day, I went to hold her down so I could get it out and right then she took that strong little left leg and absolutely socked me right in the baby belly. Immediately I felt a sharp pain and cramping so strong, I couldn't stand up totally straight. I'd been really uncomfortable for the past few months, but this was different. I tried to walk it off/forget about it during breakfast - but as the morning went on, so did the cramping pain and I noticed that Benjamin had stopped being his normal rambunctious self. Nick, of course, wanted me to go to the doctor, but I felt like I was making a mountain out of a molehill - so we tried to walk around the mall with the kids and go on with life as usual. Finally, I put a call in to my doctor and they said to absolutely come in. Yikes.
As I drove, I listened to our c-section playlist for the next day. As I was driving and singing the words, "and I need ... more time/ just a few more months and we'll be fine", I just sort of lost it. I was having such a hard time, for a million different reasons, preparing for this birth - emotionally, spiritually, and still it came on quicker and quicker. Now my fear was, if Benjamin was in distress, I wouldn't even have today with the kids - wouldn't have my mom here, wouldn't have just a few more hours to get my heart ready. I so longed to be ready for Benjamin... to be enough for him, enough for all the kids. As I drove and cried and prayed - I acknowledged for about the hundredth time that week that I wasn't going to be enough, ever, and just begged Christ to be complete in me. For my sanity, my husband, my kids.
When I got to my ob, they found Benjamin's heartbeat really quickly - which was a huge relief and they decided to do a nonstress test for a while. They went in twenty minute segments, seeing what his response was to contractions & kicks. They kept extending the test because each little movement or contraction made hisheart rate go down, instead of up - like they wanted it to. I could hear the nurses consulting with my doctor just outside the room, debating whether or not to move the surgery up to today - but they just kept giving him twenty more minutes to pull it together. All of a sudden, my doctor decided it wasn't that severe. Hisheart rate wasn't that low and since the surgery was already scheduled for the next day - they'd let me go home and wait till then. Before I could even get really nervous, it was all over. I was driving home back to a relaxed day.
That night my mom came in and I showed her all my copious lists and notes and directions and Nick and I packed the final bag. I spent some time praying & reading and writing to Benjamin - telling him about his name, what it meant, and how I couldn't wait to see how God unfolded his life for us. I told him about my own struggles and how my major prayer for myself as a mama of three was to let Christ rule in my heart & be the ultimate source of strength. After I went to bed around eleven, I started waking up around midnight in thirty minute segments - just sure that it was time to get up & go to the hospital.
I was finally really ready - just antsy and anxious to meet my son.
As I drove, I listened to our c-section playlist for the next day. As I was driving and singing the words, "and I need ... more time/ just a few more months and we'll be fine", I just sort of lost it. I was having such a hard time, for a million different reasons, preparing for this birth - emotionally, spiritually, and still it came on quicker and quicker. Now my fear was, if Benjamin was in distress, I wouldn't even have today with the kids - wouldn't have my mom here, wouldn't have just a few more hours to get my heart ready. I so longed to be ready for Benjamin... to be enough for him, enough for all the kids. As I drove and cried and prayed - I acknowledged for about the hundredth time that week that I wasn't going to be enough, ever, and just begged Christ to be complete in me. For my sanity, my husband, my kids.
When I got to my ob, they found Benjamin's heartbeat really quickly - which was a huge relief and they decided to do a nonstress test for a while. They went in twenty minute segments, seeing what his response was to contractions & kicks. They kept extending the test because each little movement or contraction made hisheart rate go down, instead of up - like they wanted it to. I could hear the nurses consulting with my doctor just outside the room, debating whether or not to move the surgery up to today - but they just kept giving him twenty more minutes to pull it together. All of a sudden, my doctor decided it wasn't that severe. Hisheart rate wasn't that low and since the surgery was already scheduled for the next day - they'd let me go home and wait till then. Before I could even get really nervous, it was all over. I was driving home back to a relaxed day.
That night my mom came in and I showed her all my copious lists and notes and directions and Nick and I packed the final bag. I spent some time praying & reading and writing to Benjamin - telling him about his name, what it meant, and how I couldn't wait to see how God unfolded his life for us. I told him about my own struggles and how my major prayer for myself as a mama of three was to let Christ rule in my heart & be the ultimate source of strength. After I went to bed around eleven, I started waking up around midnight in thirty minute segments - just sure that it was time to get up & go to the hospital.
I was finally really ready - just antsy and anxious to meet my son.
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