joy

Is there anything better than a morning walk?

It was chilly but I didn't notice, raining lightly - but I didn't care. For some reason, this particular day - I was letting the hilarious scenery burn itself straight through my eyeballs and into my memory. Really beautiful handmade fences, breaking down after years of wear, covered in moss and not doing anything to stop overgrown weeds in grass up to my waist. The morning light makes the Northwest green look lit up from the inside and I'm drawn to it like some strange emerald. 

In two minutes, I pass two farms - two actual farms, with signs that say "_____ farm". I cannot stop myself from chuckling. About sixteen beautiful old trucks, abandoned all in a clump and still that same crazy green lighting everything on fire. It looks contagious in the morning. 

Thinking back to the place I just left, the insanity that spreads there too. It's strange to be in a place where you so badly want to help, but if you sit too long - it gets under your skin and you think that abnormal is normal and dysfunctional is just ok. Baby Daddys are unreliable, yelling is an appropriate means of communication and the appearance of tears or placenta-centered conversations at dinner are totally and utterly understandable. 

But on my walk I know better, because there is one real neighborhood on my path. I pass real people's cars - bought and not shared. Doorsteps that are owned, that can be decorated with planters and not donated water heaters and two second-hand strollers. Inside, kitchen tables that are cluttered with only one families mail and with only one mama - making the decisions. One daddy - setting the pace. Friends come and go, and there is joy in it. Everything isn't bought in bulk and if a child yells, they are punished and repent. No one gets kicked out, people get invited it, and there is joy in it. You can wear your pajamas downstairs, you can protect your babies, you have no audience. You live your life and there is joy in it. 

So now I'm wistful and thinking about hope deferred and how - is that really joy? Is it okay to always be joyful about what is in store, what is ahead? For now, the answer for me is no. Walk back past the farm and the old trucks. Let the dog down the street follow you for a few paces. Once more admire the colors and the green and the rural and laugh, you live in the country. Take a deep breath and open the door with the mismatched paint. Go get your precious babies ready for breakfast and find joy in the semi-stranger that scowls when she makes her breakfast. For now.